Day 21

Yesterday felt good. It was a milestone for me. I never thought I would surpass 20 days of sobriety. I'm finally able to look back at the past 10+ years and see just how much I used alcohol to try and deal with all of my problems, and just how much it failed and made things worse each and every time. I've been getting recognized at work constantly from my high energy, high sales, and clients writing in saying how much they were pleased with me. This is amazing because I used to think coming to work hungover and dragging my bitter self around all day didn't impact my work life.. It did. 

I know I'm in a positive place, and that I'll continue to be happy if I keep this up. 

The clear view of the world

I've been so clouded.

But I had no idea. I always knew I drank too much... Even more than people who say they drink too much.. But in the past 16 days of sobriety I realized just clouded I've been.

I see others who are clouded now, and I feel for them.

I see people wake up miserable and exhausted. Bitterly shoving eachother down the street , feeling desperate before that first morning coffee they "need". I see people go to work unhappy and stuff their faces full of caffiene and aweful processed foods that make them feel even more miserable but they are so clouded by this "normal" routine they feel these feelings are just normal feelings because they are used to it. They finish their day, probably yell at some 15 year old working in retail and then head home to comfort themselves with more processed garbage washed down with an excess of booze to forget how much they wish they could change their lives... And end the evening with some self loathing while they stare at the ceiling in bed wondering how this ended up being life and dread the next day.

This doesn't have to be life. Because that is not living. No wonder people are dropping like flies at an early age. 

When I'm tempted to drink I think of those miserable days... The days when I told myself I could never be happy and I cried and cried and hated my life.

Everyday i will fuel myself with love and health, pure foods, and I never want to drink again. I really hope this strength lasts 

Two weeks sober! Wow!

Had some temptation near the end of this week but holy shit I'm actually doing this thing. I'm being healthy as hell (minus the bit of weekend snacking too much) and I'm sober and happy. Now that I've got a few weeks under my belt I keep thinking how I don't want a drink because I'd hate to ruin they progress. I'm excited to add another day to my sobriety every day. I'm excited about a sober summer and bettering my life each day. Yesterday nick bought me this dreamy vintage bike. It's kind of adorable, and I know I won't get wasted, crash it and be sad. I'm gonna keep doing this thing. I'm going to be a picture of health perfection, and maybe someday help others to do the same. The change is worth it. It's not lame to be sober. I'm not deprived. I'm finally living 

One week! For reals this time

One week! The longest I've ever been sober and it feels amazing. It seems to be getting easier. Things I also haven't done in the past week:

-Cried (except at a sweet note nick wrote me)

-woke up with that huge drinking belly/gut

-been hungover

-been so hungover at work my performance/attitude is shit

-fought with nick 

- been depressed

But I have :

-been eating healthier

-been eating raw till 4, high carb low fat

- been smiling more

-felt great

-have a smaller stomache 

-gone for a 5 hour hike with nothing but fruits!

This is the life I want to keep on living friends

Realizations

Tonight my assistant manager asked me to come out for a beer. I came but had a pop instead. This life is getting easier and easier. I had all weekend off and every opportunity to drink and get wasted and I did NOT want to. Not even once did I want to. I know this time I'm it it for the long haul. I'm not afraid like I was before. Here's what's improved since not drinking :

My health

My weight

My clarity 

My ambition 

My sex drive

My relationship in every way

My happiness 

My eating habits

My ability to care for myself and others

... I could go on

5 days sober

5 days sober, feeling fantastic. I've been doing raw till 4 (80/10/10) for 3 days now and I love it. Basically eating unlimited low fat high carb fruits and nothing else until 4pm and then having a cooked dinner. All vegan and mostly raw. I feel like a million bucks 

On my way to go hiking with nick and Reggie. Tails wagging!

The point

What's the point of this blog? Seems like it may appear to have no point aside tried and failed over and over.. But here's the thing..each time I get a little bit closer to getting my life back... I had a slip up yes.. But I'm not using that as an excuse to go back. I'm appreciating sober life more and more and I will find a way to make this work. I will succeed. Because the old me is dying, and a powerful version of myself is being born. I can do this. I can beat this addiction 

One week!! Just kidding I fucked up

Today would have been the one week mark of my not drinking... I would have felt so accomplished and happy... Instead it's 3pm.. My place is a mess, I look like shit, I feel bloated and disgusting and I'm laying in bed in yesterday's clothes. This isn't a feeling I miss. I'm so dissapointed in myself. Things were really going so well for me. Now I can't move because I loathe myself and the way I feel. Not a good feeling . I have failed 

Day 6

Day 6! This is the longest I've ever been sober. It feels... Pretty great. I have clear goals in mind, every day life is so much more vivid and beautiful, in every way. Even my interactions with other people... Even every time I look at my boyfriend who I've always loved deeply, I feel sih a stronger connection to him in every way. I'm pretty sure my parents thought I was pregnant at the family BBQ yesterday because I didn't drink and I passed on taking home two free bottles of wine. We always joked that the day I didn't drink I was pregnant. Not the case thank goodness. Anyways... If I make it past tonight I will have officially made it a week. If I were in AA I would probably get some fancy keychain and I would be proud. I'll have to draw myself one. I have a friend coming over tonight so I just have to resist one more night. I really want this. My life is coming back to me. Day by day. 

Day 5.

A day that is unheard of in my drinking life. I've finally made it to day 5. I'm so relieved! For a little while last night I was nervous. Headed to my parents for lunch. I already mentioned I didn't want to drink (as usually I drink a massive amount with my family) and today it will be an excuse to drink tea galore as I've gotten my mom just as addicted to David's tea as I am.  Tea party. 

Also I've gotten her and my Oma into juicing which I'm very happy about because it's doing wonders for their health , and her weight , and I love them both dearly and want them to live forever.

Here I go... Day 5.... I'm honestly determined to get to the one week mark now

Day 4

I was kind of afraid to post all day... Day 4 is my biggest nightmare. I've tried to quit drinking many time but have never made it past day 4. Well guess what?!? It's not day 5 motherfucker!

Sober for 4 complete days and starting a 5th. I really want to complete this because I wanted to cave so bad tonight but had to know I can do this. I can't stop 

A test or a sabotage from the universe?

Just as I'm feeling alive again:

http://m.huffpost.com/ca/entry/5069612

Booze will now be available everywhere in Ontario! 

All of the alcoholic fantasies I've always had are finally coming true.

Only problem is those fantasies are coming true when I'm trying to break free and get away from that life.

I might as well get used to it.

Every place I look it will be there. I just have to learn to turn my head

Third day of living

That's what I call my days of sobriety.. Days of living. 

Day by day my body feels renewed, fresh and clean.

My mind starts to have deeper and deeper thoughts and my hopes grow as well as my fears.

My fears that these beautiful feelings will be taken away.

The worst thing is I will be the only one to destroy this happiness and take my own dreams away. 

I am afraid of myself. 

I think about how harshly I judge the crackheads in my neighborhood. When they come around my work they sicken me.

I'm not as bad as they are, but I can see how they may struggle. 

How they may sit just as I do wondering how their life got so out of hand, but then realizing if they're drunk and high they won't have to think these clear thoughts about how they've ruined their own lives. 

I still have a chance at this. 

Things I want to do in life :

-Contribute to animal and environmental charities

- become an exceptional strong artist

- complete marathons 

- be married and have a family 

- do vegan education

- travel

- place love into the world 

-so much more

Things I don't want to do

-spend any more years crying about nothing and drinking my good years away

Heal heal heal.

I need to give myself a chance at this. 

The fog begins to clear

IIt's amazing how only 2 days into sobriety something wonderful happens...

I start to see things more clearly..

This haze of not giving a fuck and thinking about drinking 24/7 starts to fade... And I see other things.. Possibilities. I see a future, I see real hobbies, a beautiful healthy body, a happy loving relationship free of the years of self pity , a developed career and pure happiness. 

These things make me tear up at the thought of them.

They're so worth the awkward social moments of "I'm not drinking" 

Baby goals perhaps?

May 5th is the CN tower climb for world wildlife fund.

I want to be sober until then. I can do that. I'm sure I can.

Because if I can't there's no hope for me.

A beautiful life. I can life that life. Hard as hell... Awkward, I'll probably want to kill someone but that life sounds so wonderful 

Day 2/the vegan thang

Day 2 is here once more... I wish I was on day 30 or something because the earlier days are the easiest to give up on since I've barely started anything, I suppose the same goes for people on diets..

One thing I keep thinking about is how little it makes sense that I'm a vegan alcoholic... Here's what I mean :

I'm vegan for two reasons.. 

1. The animals 

2. Treating my body with love and respect and not putting anything dead and rotting, full of chemicals or processed into it.

So tell me... Why am I dedicating my time to eating pure, clean and finding the best sources of natural nutrients if I'm just going to piss that away but flooding my body with booze? Alcohol is so dangerous and bad for me and quite frankly it makes me unhealthy and overweight. 

With the way I eat I should be very slim and perfectly healthy and yet because I drink every day of my life I'm overweight and I undo my hard work and contradict my healthy lifestyle. I eat fresh fruits,vegetables, seeds and legumes, work out 2-3 times a week and then drink thousands and thousands of empty calories and sugar and stay fat. 

Not to mention I'd hate to see the state of my liver.

I need to think of this in a new way and stop poisoning myself 

No one is permanent

I think sometimes we get so comfortable in our relationships that we neglect to remember that no one is permanently stuck in our lives. I love my boyfriend. I love him more than I've ever loved any person in my life. He loves me too, which is why it's a wake up call when he says If I continue to be so unhappy all of the time he'll eventually leave. At the end of the day I can't blame him. Who wants to spend the rest of their life with a drunk crying on the couch with tears and snot pouring down their face complaining about how they can't change? My boyfriend has one simple request.. That I just be happy with my life... And I can't even do that? 

I'm depressed because I drink 24/7 which leads to any and all other problems in my life.

I drink because it feels like my identity, my only comfort, and I imagine people will think I'm boring and lame if I don't. 

I already get people thinking I'm an alien for being vegan,

Who is going to want to spend a rocking Saturday night with the sober vegan? Parcheesi anyone?

No one is permanent. He could walk away at any moment. And he might.. Unless I get off of my pathetic ass and make this last longer than 4 fucking days 

Day 1??

Do I even want to call this day 1? Do I even want to give myself the tiniest bit of hope to think that I can start this again? Who am I kidding? 

All I know is that if I don't change I will lose my life, my relationship and everything else dear to me.

That should make this easy. It doesn't. 

I don't want to drink anymore.

I don't want to listen to people who tell me I do want to.

I want help.

Fine... Day 1... Here we go again

Can't

I'm pretty sure I will die a fat alcoholic. This will kill me. My head hurts, I'm hot and sweaty... I day drank starting from the fake coffee cup filled with beer (I buy fake cups in case I need to drink in public) at 1pm... Continued all day.,. I'm so exhausted and I feel awful and I chugged two bottles of water hoping I can continue drinking soon... Even though I really don't want to.

I can't save myself