FUck

Mother FUCKING day 4. Why can I never defeat you?!?? Addict forever?? Happy never? 

Not going to lie... I had a super fun night with two people k really care about and I kinda wonder if that's really terrible at all.

Am I capable of balance ?

Day 4... Personal hell.

Day 4 is... My nightmare. Every time I've ever tried to quit drinking I have NEVER gotten past day 4. Day 5 is some fantasy land for me. The worst part is it's Saturday, I'm alone and I don't work tomorrow... Seems like the most opportune time to drink. I really hope I can do this... Because the fourth day is some kind of emotional barrier for me because I expect to fail and immediately run out and buy alcohol.

Must.. Succeed 

Day 3

Today is a lonely day. Alone again in my home with piles of alcohol. Haven't caved, but basically wallowing in the fact that I can't drink this weekend and wishing someone would spend some time with me tonight. Friends seem to be busy. I have zero motivation to do anything and it's taken until 4;30 to get my shit together and be ready for the day. A night of cleaning out my empty fish tank (seeing as there is no longer a fish in it) and eating salad awaits me. How exciting. Excuse the pessimism I just feel nothing but exhaustion, boredom and the weight of a thousand questions :

- why can't i drink like a normal person?

-if they say 90% of alcoholics relapse wtf is the point?

-will people even like me sober?

-do they even like me now?

not giving up. Just not the best day in the world 

2nd evening... Let the loneliness begin

Well it's Thursday evening and something rare is about to happen... I have Friday, Saturday and Sunday off which pretty much never happens. I should be as ecstatic as I was the day I read that on the schedule but I'm not. I'm sitting here alone with my pot of tea realizing I'm alone tonight, I'll be alone tomorrow day and night, I'll be alone Saturday day and night, and then hopefully I'll get to spend some time with nick on sunday...

Normally I'd be singing and dancing and pouring myself the first of many whiskey and diets and celebrating the birth of three days of carefree partying...

But now? I'm at a loss.. 

I don't even know what I am without drinking.

What the fuck do I do? Watch netflix 24 hours a day? 

I need to find myself. I have no fucking clue who I am anymore other than a sad girl sitting alone in a home with bottles of booze I can't touch. 

Day 2

Had a really inspiring chat with my best friend Stephanie this morning. We've often had talks about changing our lives for the better but this time it felt different. It actually felt like we believed we could. Having a support system is an enormous help and I've done all that I can to replace the selfish people in my life with people who genuinely care about my well being more than they care about having a drinking buddy. Today I'm starting a juice fast. Not sure how many days but my body desperately needs that massive hit of nutrients from fresh fruits and veggies to detox and heal. I expect to be a miserable cunt over the next week. Look at that! I'm already optimistic enough that I can do a week. That would feel so liberating.... Free from the big ball and chain that is the bottle. Here goes..

The calm before the storm

This is the beginning.
This is my last chance.
It's a calm place to be in a sense.. The panic hasn't set in.  I've had "day one" many many times.  It usually starts with a declaration to the world that "this is it! I'm quitting drinking!" Followed by rounds of loud full bodied laughter from all of those who surround me. often there's also the professors as I call them. People who seem to know the ins and outs of my life without knowing me at all. Without any questions they'll gladly let me know what I "just need". For example "you just need to calm down! Everybody drinks! It's not a big deal!"
It's hard for me to not  be frustrated with people who don't know me well enought to tell me what I supposedly need.
Here's the thing. It's rock bottom. I've hit it before and it nearly cost me my life.
Sitting at home drinking day and night when I'm alone isn't simple party girl behavior.
This isn't cute anymore, and it hasn't been for years.
This is my final attempt  to save my life. I can't live like this anymore.
Day one is almost officially over. My record is four days (I've never made it past the evening of day four.)
This is the calm before the storm, because after this comes the hell I'll have to endure.