A test or a sabotage from the universe?

Just as I'm feeling alive again:

http://m.huffpost.com/ca/entry/5069612

Booze will now be available everywhere in Ontario! 

All of the alcoholic fantasies I've always had are finally coming true.

Only problem is those fantasies are coming true when I'm trying to break free and get away from that life.

I might as well get used to it.

Every place I look it will be there. I just have to learn to turn my head

Third day of living

That's what I call my days of sobriety.. Days of living. 

Day by day my body feels renewed, fresh and clean.

My mind starts to have deeper and deeper thoughts and my hopes grow as well as my fears.

My fears that these beautiful feelings will be taken away.

The worst thing is I will be the only one to destroy this happiness and take my own dreams away. 

I am afraid of myself. 

I think about how harshly I judge the crackheads in my neighborhood. When they come around my work they sicken me.

I'm not as bad as they are, but I can see how they may struggle. 

How they may sit just as I do wondering how their life got so out of hand, but then realizing if they're drunk and high they won't have to think these clear thoughts about how they've ruined their own lives. 

I still have a chance at this. 

Things I want to do in life :

-Contribute to animal and environmental charities

- become an exceptional strong artist

- complete marathons 

- be married and have a family 

- do vegan education

- travel

- place love into the world 

-so much more

Things I don't want to do

-spend any more years crying about nothing and drinking my good years away

Heal heal heal.

I need to give myself a chance at this. 

The fog begins to clear

IIt's amazing how only 2 days into sobriety something wonderful happens...

I start to see things more clearly..

This haze of not giving a fuck and thinking about drinking 24/7 starts to fade... And I see other things.. Possibilities. I see a future, I see real hobbies, a beautiful healthy body, a happy loving relationship free of the years of self pity , a developed career and pure happiness. 

These things make me tear up at the thought of them.

They're so worth the awkward social moments of "I'm not drinking" 

Baby goals perhaps?

May 5th is the CN tower climb for world wildlife fund.

I want to be sober until then. I can do that. I'm sure I can.

Because if I can't there's no hope for me.

A beautiful life. I can life that life. Hard as hell... Awkward, I'll probably want to kill someone but that life sounds so wonderful 

Day 2/the vegan thang

Day 2 is here once more... I wish I was on day 30 or something because the earlier days are the easiest to give up on since I've barely started anything, I suppose the same goes for people on diets..

One thing I keep thinking about is how little it makes sense that I'm a vegan alcoholic... Here's what I mean :

I'm vegan for two reasons.. 

1. The animals 

2. Treating my body with love and respect and not putting anything dead and rotting, full of chemicals or processed into it.

So tell me... Why am I dedicating my time to eating pure, clean and finding the best sources of natural nutrients if I'm just going to piss that away but flooding my body with booze? Alcohol is so dangerous and bad for me and quite frankly it makes me unhealthy and overweight. 

With the way I eat I should be very slim and perfectly healthy and yet because I drink every day of my life I'm overweight and I undo my hard work and contradict my healthy lifestyle. I eat fresh fruits,vegetables, seeds and legumes, work out 2-3 times a week and then drink thousands and thousands of empty calories and sugar and stay fat. 

Not to mention I'd hate to see the state of my liver.

I need to think of this in a new way and stop poisoning myself 

No one is permanent

I think sometimes we get so comfortable in our relationships that we neglect to remember that no one is permanently stuck in our lives. I love my boyfriend. I love him more than I've ever loved any person in my life. He loves me too, which is why it's a wake up call when he says If I continue to be so unhappy all of the time he'll eventually leave. At the end of the day I can't blame him. Who wants to spend the rest of their life with a drunk crying on the couch with tears and snot pouring down their face complaining about how they can't change? My boyfriend has one simple request.. That I just be happy with my life... And I can't even do that? 

I'm depressed because I drink 24/7 which leads to any and all other problems in my life.

I drink because it feels like my identity, my only comfort, and I imagine people will think I'm boring and lame if I don't. 

I already get people thinking I'm an alien for being vegan,

Who is going to want to spend a rocking Saturday night with the sober vegan? Parcheesi anyone?

No one is permanent. He could walk away at any moment. And he might.. Unless I get off of my pathetic ass and make this last longer than 4 fucking days 

Day 1??

Do I even want to call this day 1? Do I even want to give myself the tiniest bit of hope to think that I can start this again? Who am I kidding? 

All I know is that if I don't change I will lose my life, my relationship and everything else dear to me.

That should make this easy. It doesn't. 

I don't want to drink anymore.

I don't want to listen to people who tell me I do want to.

I want help.

Fine... Day 1... Here we go again

Can't

I'm pretty sure I will die a fat alcoholic. This will kill me. My head hurts, I'm hot and sweaty... I day drank starting from the fake coffee cup filled with beer (I buy fake cups in case I need to drink in public) at 1pm... Continued all day.,. I'm so exhausted and I feel awful and I chugged two bottles of water hoping I can continue drinking soon... Even though I really don't want to.

I can't save myself